Monday, February 13, 2012

Catching Up...

Almost three years ago,  I came to the conclusion that God wanted more for me and from me in this life.  An overwhelming notion for the first time mother of a newborn daughter.  Just two months after the birth of my sweet Claire, my dear stepmother died.  This was devastating on two levels.  First of all, my stepmother had been a Godsend in growing up with my extremely challenging father.  Second of all, her death reopened the wound of my father's death, which had occurred just four years earlier.  Flooded with new mom hormones, mourning, and feeling a crossroads in my own life, I made the decision to talk it out in counseling. 

I sat down, in front of Jan, feeling about as vulnerable and lost as imaginable.  It felt like everything flooded out of me in tears and hopelessness.  While grief had driven me into counseling, it became readily apparent that my own feelings about my station in life were the real reason I was there.  I felt stuck.  I felt like I wanted more from life, but feel powerless to get it and unsure of what 'it' really was in the first place.  There is something about having a first baby that truly changes your perception of everything.  For me, it was deep consideration of who I want to be as a role model and what do I want for my family and child.  What I did not want, was to be a mother who miserable because she did nothing to better her situation.  At this point in time, my husband was on the super fast track to a Master's degree (details of that spared for the sake of my husband's sanity and mine) and I was resentful because I could not do that now.  Jan looked up at me with wide eyes and said, "Why can't you, Lindsay? Why can't you go back to school?"  Pause, hesitate, answer: "because I have a baby," I answered-- as if that was finite- open and close.  Not-so-much.  "Lindsay, lots of great moms have babies and go to school.  Great mother and great achiever are not mutually exclusive." Oh! Really?  So I can do this? 

I posed it to Michael, at which point he praised the idea and I was enrolled at the University of Central Oklahoma before the conversation was complete.  It is only fitting that I should enter the Guidance and Counseling program. 

At this point, the world began to open up to numerous opportunities.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

My perspective changed.  I realized, if I wanted to prosper, I had to take action.  I also realized that there is a plan for me and that it is true- when God closes a door- he does open a window.

My mantra became and remains: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

While I feel I rambled on here, it is truly a condensed version of this course of events.  The blog is titled "Such Great Heights" because the the song by the Postal Service.  For me, it implies the freedom to go in the direction of my dreams and create a beautiful life for my family. 

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