Sunday, September 8, 2013

I Can't Stop

I can tell you, with great ease, how I fall short.  I'm underpaid for my education level, I'm too short for my weight, and I hate being told no.  These are faults I understand and, in my heart of hearts, recognize are no more egregious or uncommon than the issues of others.  It just never feels that way. In grad school, I found I really appreciated the philosophy of Albert Ellis, who said "must" was basically and rightly a four letter word.  I agree.  I take his "must" and raise him a "should". Both words imply that there is either a right way to be or a position in which someone should be.  Two of the three faults I admitted when opening this blog fit that category.  I am seriously my own biggest critic because I can't let go of how things must be or what I should be able to accomplish.  When things don't go as I believe, I assert- why can't I get it together?! Why can't I do all these things?! Why am I so disfunctional?

I suppose I just need to confess that my measuring stick is skewed right now.  I am terribly guilty of seeing myself in line with others and criticizing where I fall in that spectrum.  Why can't I afford to go on vacation? Why does it feel like my house (former and present) is always torn apart and never quite done? Who is that skinny expletive who can get up and run five miles a day? More important- how is she smiling about it like she likes it? Why can't I have another baby?  Why doesn't my husband do things like that lady's husband because that would be so much easier. Everyone else seems to be able to do these things? Why can't I? Okay, so it's not everyone- and maybe there are people out there who would love to be in a position more like mine.  I hope they wish to be less neurotic.

When I see that all of this looks like the rantings of a nutty woman, I ask myself- why can't I stop? How do I put down this measuring stick that makes me feel like I am not enough? I'm not sure I know the answer right now.  I do know, it's time to figure it out and do something about it.  Somehow, I must be enough.

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