Birdhouse in your Soul- A Friday Flashback

As I enjoy writing and would like to blog more- just for the fun of it, I came up with the idea- "Flashback Friday".  Every Friday, I will post a blog that contains a special memory- recorded for myself or for prosperity.

In 1995, I was in the seventh grade.  Being an only child, and a willful one at that, I felt I was a much older soul than my fourteen years reflected.  At this time, I began to experiment with fashion and fall in love with rock and roll. I was cultivating my own unique sense of self and I am proud of it, when I look back.  I was finding myself, instead of blending in.  I was being creative.   See examples from this era below:

Becky Reed (Recky Bead) and I in seventh grade.  She is wearing my EOI t-shirt; I am wearing Jeremy Hyde's Mellowdramatic Wallflowers t-shirt (that band is a Tulsa insider thing) and rocking the blazing red lips.

Clockwise from bottom: Angelene (Ripley) Wright, Becky (Reed) Davis, me, Christine (Hastings) Adamack, and Corrie (Feyen) Karlovich.  This is the beginning of my wardrobe devoid of any color.  Straight black dress that I wore until it was nothing but a series of tattered threads and baby barrettes in my hair!

Again with the blazing red lips and that shirt is They Might Be Giants with the cover of John Henry on it.  To the left, you can see my photo collage of pictures, bands, music, etc.  This was about 3x5 ft and I had a very nice mom for allowing me to put all that crap on the wall!

This is a pretty typical shot of Christine, Corrie and me on my ugly couch (hey, it was free!).  I am wearing a shirt that I later realized had an extremely subtle vulgar suggestion!  I had NO idea at the time- and apparently the message was so subtle that my mom didn't notice either!  Eek- sorry!

Again, finding myself. Through a friend at the time, I discovered a some what esoteric radio station.  I say that because it was only on the air from 12 a.m. to 6 a.m.  That's right, if you wanted to listen to it, you had to stay up all night!  It was called EOI- which stood for Edge of Insanity.  If you caught it between 6 a.m. and 12 p.m., you'd find a classical music station.  God bless. 92.1 fm.  Why yes, I did stay up all night and sleep all day when I got the chance.  I remember coming home from the seventh grade to sleep right away and waking at 12 to stay up and listen.  As much as I am an extrovert by day, there is an introvert inside of me.  I really treasured the time that was mine and mine alone.  No one bothered me.  The house was quiet.  I could write, scheme, dream- whatever I wanted.  I find that I still desire such time.  It's just harder to come by as I grow older.  This radio station- that turned me into a creature of the night, played indie, new wave, hard rock, oddities- you name it.  I cultivated a unique musical palette in those nights.  The music spoke to my growing pains and soothed me.  I was one of many followers who tuned in regularly and came to love the DJs: Deja and Mother T (her name is Teresa).  We all had call in names.  When I decided to call in a request one night, I lacked a call in name and blurted out "Sam I Am"- because Dr. Suess is a genius, y'all.  (really- I mean it!  I think I appreciate his work more as an adult!)

Anyway, one particular evening, I became aware of a concert I really and truly HAD to attend.  EOI had been publicizing Frank Black (of The Pixies) opening for They Might Be Giants!  Eek!  Every other 14 year old girl I knew was swooning over some ridiculous boy band, but me-- no, I was panting to see a sweaty bald dude (sorry FB) and two nerds playing accordions.  For those who know me well, this all makes sense I am sure.  EOI decided to do a ticket giveaway and I was poised!  You see, back in MY day, before the interwebs, a radio might offer a prize to a caller of a certain number.  Picture me sitting on my couch, in my pajamas, hand on my phone-- which looked like this:

Clearly, you are now jealous of my undeniable awesomeness, right?!  Don't lie.  But I digress, I sat with my hand on the phone- waiting for the announcement to call.  Aaaaannnnnndddd, finally, it was go time.  Busy signal, hang up, try again- ring!  Holy crap- it's ringing! "Guess what?" said the answering voice.  "What?" I said thinking I couldn't possibly win.  "You are the eighth caller!"  OH HOLY GOODNESS!  I WON!  I WON!  I WON!  Please, at this time, remember that this radio station aired 12-6 over night!  So, this good news came at 2 in the morning, when my mom was asleep!  I bounced around the house saying "I won, I won, I won!"  I got my mom's crystal stemmed wine glasses down from the cupboard and proceeded to poor chilled 7Up in one whilst continuing to recite "I won, I won, I won!".  The commotion awoke my mom, who at 2 in the morning, was incredibly groggy.  "Mom, guess what?!  I won!" Mom replies- not having a clue what I may have won, "That's great, honey, now go to bed". 

The next morning was a different story.  You see, mom remembered waking up and talking to me, but NOTHING else.  I proceeded to explain that I won tickets to see Frank Black and They Might Be Giants at the Cain's Ballroom and I was soooooo excited.  Then- BOOM, reality: "You're only 14 years old Lindsay!  There's no way I'm letting you see a show at the Cain's!"  This turned in to probably a week's worth of back and forth- teenager clinging to any sense of independence vs. mother trying to protect child.  In the end, mom decided I could go as long as I took a trustworthy friend with me, Corrie.   While every other girl my age has a concert story about being dragged to something their parents' liked or seeing the New Kids on the Block (nothing wrong with that at all), I was watching a Frank Black and Pixies at the Cain's Ballroom.  This is a favorite memory and the story of how a girl fell in love with the Cain's Ballroom.  I think I'd move into it, if they'd let me.

Post Script- In November 2011, I got a chance to see Frank Black again- this time, reunited with The Pixies.  I was super giddy, trying to explain it at work to people who were responded, "so is tonight when your going to see that band- the Fairies?"  Me: "you mean The Pixies?"  Yeah.  Luckily, my dear bff, Jill, was able to come with me.  As we listened to the music, it just felt like I was going home.  It sounded like home to me.

The Pixies- Nov. 2011 (Frank Black is the second from the left)

Jill and me- friends for 16 years!

And now is the time on Sprockets when we dance!

In other words, I am delirious!

I am elated to have this amazing job.  My bosses seem fabulous and the staff seems friendly and enthusiastic.  I am so excited.

I am also overjoyed to be returning home.  The sights, the sounds, the comfort of being home.  i never feel better than when I am in Tulsa.  The second I see the downtown skyline, I can breathe.  It's wonderful.  I cannot wait for our family to enjoy the opportunities and conveniences of city living.  I am a city girl.  Michael is just excited about living within walking distance (that's right, walking distance- or biking distance) of two movie theaters and a Barnes and Noble.

We are so ready for this chapter of our lives to begin. 

Here's the catch.  WE HAVE TO SELL THIS HOUSE!  It's been on the market a month.  Yes, I know that's pretty standard, but I am steadfast praying for the right buyer to come along as soon as possible.  The media is fully ready to inform its general audience that it is a buyers market.  Why, yes, yes indeed, that will help us on the flip side.  Meanwhile, it is not boding well for us selling this house.  We've had one offer.  They took $6k off our rock bottom price, then asked for $4k for their closing.  FYI- we don't have $10k to give away to make this happen. The counter was only $2k more and we had to walk away.  It's painful to have an offer dangled in front of your face, only to have it disintegrate in front of our faces.

This is fully stressful.  I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to explode.  However, what I really want is to be done with this.  MWC, release me.  It's time to move on.  I am struggling to stay positive.  I keep reading blogs from sorority sister, Jesi Conder, and dear college friend, Mindy Russell, to remember that I am not alone.  Thank you, ladies, for sharing your stories with me.  It really helps. 

Everyday, I get down on my knees and pray.  I feel like I am begging God, which feels a little stupid.  Then, I feel selfish.  I feel like I am cognitively aware, without diminishing my concerns for my life, that others are struggling with life and death situations, despair, poverty, etc.  Last night, half the town of Luther was plagued by the fury of an arsonist.  Yes, there are more concerns to pray about and remember than just the ones in my life.  Today, I packed up Claire and drove to the store to buy a few cases of water for the firefighters (Claire kept calling them 'fireflies') and delivered them to the nearest fire station.  I can't just dwell on what is hard for me.  I need to keep moving.  I need to keep trying.  I need to be the best me I can be under stressful circumstances.  Today, I think I will relieve stress by painting cute canvases for my new office.  Did I mention I am temporarily carless and sharing a ride with my husband?  Because I am.  Any fun I can make inside (away from the 350 degree heat), without leaving my house (because I am sharing a car), and cheap (materials I already have in my house) is key to keep from losing my mind.  I'm a stay busy sort of girl.

PS- I learned quickly that pity parties were not permitted.  You see, I was busy having one on the way back to my house from my new job.  I was lamenting that I do not live there yet, that I do not know what I am doing or how I am going to do this- when the car in front of me slowed to pull off the road.  They did not move over fast enough, so I applied my brake- looking to get over, but couldn't.  The driver behind me couldn't slow down on time and clipped me.  Yeah, if you throw a pity party, you get something to be sad about...  Message received.  Must trust God.  The other driver and I were completely unharmed.  I felt so bad for her; really, she is only 23 and was worried about her dad being mad at her.  I kept hugging her and telling her it was okay.  She probably thought I was nuts.  I was more worried about her than I was about me.

And that, in a nutshell, is how the cookie is crumbling right now.  And this is the time on Sprockets when we dance.

Twenty-Six

A- appetite must be conquered!

B- Broken Arrow, starting my new job in less than four weeks- so much to do!  I am falling deep in LOVE with my new job!  Great bosses and I believe I will have lots of fun : D

C- CAbi, my friend Lori's business.  I discovered the CAbi outlet this summer. CAbi spells trouble.
    (stress loves shopping)

D- daughter, she is eager to start her new preschool, loves animals, and learning rapidly

E- Exercise is missing- I am feeling my age because I am more than worried about my appearance,    
but my Energy level- which is dwindling...

F- Family, we are in it together.  Frustration and stress may be present, but we are united.

G- God, I am truly working at having faith and giving over right now.  It's not always easy, but I'm getting better all the time!

H- Harrah, my resignation has been official for about a month.  I will definitely miss kids and colleagues.

I- insanity- as defined by accepting a new job, in a new school, in a new position, at a new level, while trying to sell and buy houses and move home.  Yes, insane. (and this is only half of it!)

J- Jill, I was blessed with an impromptu visit with my best friend recently.  Praying God will move her home (to Tulsa) too.

K- kids- I am totally feeling the guilt that we have not been ready to give Claire a sibling yet.  Yes, she does talk about getting a little 'stister' AND a little 'brudder'.  That's right- she asks for one of each.  I fail.  Sigh.

L- Lindsay- that's right, me.  My mother keeps reminding me to be true to myself.  I've short changed myself a lot in the past and I do not wish to repeat that.

M- Michael, the stress of all the changes is certainly challenging, but we are managing to keep it together- even when we snap at each other.

N- new, I find it difficult to be new because I like to be an expert / know it all.  I can become an expert at my new job after a year, right?! (rhetorical question)

O- Over it, I was worried about what other people thought regarding all the changes at the feet of my family.  I realize the importance of being caring and sensitive, but I realized that everyone's life is their creation and too often, people who may have abundance of opinion about your doings lack the details and whys.

P- place to stay- holy crap- where am I going to live, temporarily while I start my job?! 

Q- quiet- for as outgoing and social as I am (no one has ever accused me of being shy), I realized I need and enjoy alone time.  It's like my inner extrovert needs a break and my inner introvert picks up a shift.

R- real estate- we've narrowed it to two houses in Tulsa and would love to place an offer, but can't until current house is under contract : (

S- selling- selling our house is not fun.  While it technically hasn't been that long, I just want it sold and fast!  Time to move.

T- Tulsa, of course- My heart leaps for joy when I think about it.  I am so grateful.  It would be great if the process of getting there could fall into place.  A test of my patience from God?

U- umbrella- this state need rain.  Not wanting to see more fires on the TV.

V- vow- to work my best with what is in my control and do my best to let go of fear, worry, anxiety and anything else I can't help.  I'm human- this will be hard.

W- wondering- I keep imagining God setting me up to really struggle and praying that's not the case.  That's really not how God works- I don't think.

X- eXamine- the best way(s) to keep this move from eating my savings.

Y-  year of pre-school- Claire has a year of preschool before *gasp* pre-k!  We got her into a great one.  The downside- out of my way driving : (  Just for a year.  I think I can.

Z- zealous- maybe I need to take a chill pill- but I am not alone there.

For I Know the Plans I Have for You

When I started this blog, I knew my family was examining life and investigating changes.  We were in a very complacent and stagnant place.  I knew I could give into fear of change and continue the place I've tilled or I could go out on a limb and look for the fruit.  I chose the latter.  Michael and I talked and planned for such.  We discussed a number of possibilities and prayed ceaselessly.

I completely embraced the verse:  "I know the plans I have for you, said the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Many days, I recited it to myself- like a meditation.  I felt, truly, that God was a few steps in front of me, preparing the way.  I felt that change was needed and coming down the path.

In December, I completed my Master's degree at the University of Central Oklahoma and began examining options to enhance life for myself and my family.  In June, the change struck.  I was offered a position in Broken Arrow Public Schools, as a guidance counselor at an elementary school.  This is definitely a turn of events- I never thought I would be an elementary counselor!  I interviewed at all levels and found that I thought elementary would be a great change and a new chance for me in my career.  I am looking forward to it!  Of course, this also means turning life (as I've known it the last seven years) upside down!  Yes, this involves a move.  There is so much more feeling and emotion surrounding this move- I couldn't contain it on this blog and should maintain some privacy anyway- but I feel so blessed to be going home again.  When I went away to college, I automatically missed Tulsa. I always thought I'd move home after I graduated and live out my days there.  It's home.  However, my mother moved to Nebraska with her husband during my first semester of college and I fell in love and got married.  In this time, I've still felt a connection to my home.  I've experienced deep sadness in my mother moving out of state and no longer having a childhood home to visit.  In seven years, I've still struggled to feel like me and feel at home.  Tulsa is where I feel like me.  Like I said, there is so much more to it- and Michael has been involved in scheming and dreaming the whole time.  'No' to some ideas and 'yes' to others.  It's been a work in progress.

It will not be a neat and easy move.  Lots of factors are involved.  However, God knows the plans he has for me and the plans he has for our family.  He is a few steps in front of me / us.

I realize fully that my sacrifices are worth the rewards.