I was thinking about the gamut of emotions I've run in the course of getting this house on the market and being on the market the last thirty-eight days (not that I am counting or anything). Today I realized I saw a correlation and had a revelation. I am mourning this painful, stressful process. I am right in line with the Elisabeth Kubler-Ross stages of grief.
1) Denial- "We won't be on the market long! This house is a catch and a steal! This is the best house on the market in this location- at this price point!"
2) Anger- "Why is this taking so long? Why are people too stupid to see that this is clearly the best deal around here. Does God not see that it's time for us to move on?"
3) Bargaining- "God, please tell me what I have to do to get this house sold! Please send the right buyer! I promise I'll ((fill in the blank)) if you could just throw me a bone here!"
4) Depression- "I can't take it anymore. I want to give up on everything." ((cries into breakfast))
5) Acceptance- "There is nothing I can do that I am not already doing to expedite this process. It is what it is. God has a plan, right?! ((please say yes))
As I say this, I note that I occasionally go back and forth between various stages. Please, God, say there's a plan! (bargaining again)
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Perspective: check.
It's pretty easy to fall prey to thinking about your own concerns in life. I don't want to diminish the stress factor and challenges I have. It's not that they are unimportant. It's that they are factors which can be address by my mother's coin phrase (which I believe was her father's coin phrase), "and this too shall pass". Do you know how much I hated hearing that from her when I was an angst filled teenager?
In a turn of events, the last few days have been turbulent for many.
Again, wildfires plagued the parched countrysides in Oklahoma. This is something that stirs much emotion for me. The first time I was evacuated was when my baby was just eleven days old. I had never been under the threat or duress of such a natural fury before and it was combined with postpartum hormones and a body gone crazy, with a brand new high-maintenance, beautiful baby girl. I remember sitting at my in laws' house, completely convinced that my house was gone. I felt numb. I couldn't even place my feelings. I just sat, fixated on the television images of fire- wondering. Somehow, my entire neighborhood was spared while every direction around it was scorched. It was as though God had created a protective force field for my little girl. I still have no idea how it happened, but should one question such an undeniable blessing? I choose to not question. This was not the last time I have been evacuated. Several instances occurred afterward. Two years later, I was at work (at Harrah High School), when I started hearing mutterings of wildfires again. Just a couple of hours later, the forum of the school appeared hazy and smelled of thick smoke. I stood in the library watching the coverage, realizing it was merely a mile away. Kids were checked out from school until hardly a soul remained. When I was finally able to leave, I was rerouted by the police. I had to take Harrah Road all the way to SE 15th, which is the opposite of the direction I'd normally take to get to my house. As I drove up SE 15th, I passed my in laws' house- not realizing it would be the last time I saw it standing. A fire blazed far to the south of it. I did not (probably denial?) think the blaze would reach my in laws' house, but I stopped to call my mother in law anyway and continued to my house. My mother and daughter were at my house when I received a panicked call from my mother in law- telling me she got a few things and the dog out of her house and that her house was burning to the ground. I think I was still in denial. I thought, surely she's shaken and the firefighters can save it. Often, you believe what you want to believe in these cases. That I did. However, she was right. Her home of twenty-eight years smoldered to a pile of ash and lumps of nearly unrecognizable, melted metal that used to be appliances. The fire was so hot (approx. 2000 degrees according to the fire department) that the refrigerator collapsed and fell into an arch shape and the concrete of the driveway exploded. Unfathomable. Many times, I have kicked myself. I drove right by it. I knew how to get inside. I knew where many favor items or heirlooms lurked. If only I could have saved some things. However, I am well aware I had no way of knowing what would happen and it was probably best that I drove away before the fire drew near. I'd be lying if I said the number of times I've made it through evacuation or threat of evacuation were not part of discussion about moving into a more metropolitan area. Flash forward to this week. The town of Luther is consumed by ravaging fire. Luther is not that far from me. It's maybe twenty miles. I know some people who live there. Additionally, fires blazed in Creek County (Around Mannford, OK- west of the Tulsa metro). I was on pins and needles- waiting to hear about my friend Misty Tharp's house. By miracle and by faith, it was spared. My dear friend, Tammy Devine, is from Mannford. Sadly, members of her family lost their homes. Above all, it is a blessing that they were not hurt of injured.
I am also empathetic to my sorority sister, Janna Graham, who lost her father to cancer this week. Though the relationship was strained, I have also lost my father. My mother, thank the Lord, is a breast cancer survivor. It's hard to so many levels. Janna will handle it all with grace, like she always does. God bless her family.
While sitting in church on Sunday, I was filled with urgency and prayer for Misty, for Janna, for Tammy and many others. At this point, I realized how little time I can waste worrying about my station- about the house selling (though I still hope it will happen soon), about expenses, about making a transition, etc. God will show you what matters. In that moment- this horrible propensity to want to control or feel like I am in control faded away. I struggle each day to let go and let God. In that moment, I felt I truly did. Each new day, I must learn how to give up control for the day. I am so grateful that I was able to do so in that moment. God is going to take care of my transition. And that is my perspective: check.
In a turn of events, the last few days have been turbulent for many.
Again, wildfires plagued the parched countrysides in Oklahoma. This is something that stirs much emotion for me. The first time I was evacuated was when my baby was just eleven days old. I had never been under the threat or duress of such a natural fury before and it was combined with postpartum hormones and a body gone crazy, with a brand new high-maintenance, beautiful baby girl. I remember sitting at my in laws' house, completely convinced that my house was gone. I felt numb. I couldn't even place my feelings. I just sat, fixated on the television images of fire- wondering. Somehow, my entire neighborhood was spared while every direction around it was scorched. It was as though God had created a protective force field for my little girl. I still have no idea how it happened, but should one question such an undeniable blessing? I choose to not question. This was not the last time I have been evacuated. Several instances occurred afterward. Two years later, I was at work (at Harrah High School), when I started hearing mutterings of wildfires again. Just a couple of hours later, the forum of the school appeared hazy and smelled of thick smoke. I stood in the library watching the coverage, realizing it was merely a mile away. Kids were checked out from school until hardly a soul remained. When I was finally able to leave, I was rerouted by the police. I had to take Harrah Road all the way to SE 15th, which is the opposite of the direction I'd normally take to get to my house. As I drove up SE 15th, I passed my in laws' house- not realizing it would be the last time I saw it standing. A fire blazed far to the south of it. I did not (probably denial?) think the blaze would reach my in laws' house, but I stopped to call my mother in law anyway and continued to my house. My mother and daughter were at my house when I received a panicked call from my mother in law- telling me she got a few things and the dog out of her house and that her house was burning to the ground. I think I was still in denial. I thought, surely she's shaken and the firefighters can save it. Often, you believe what you want to believe in these cases. That I did. However, she was right. Her home of twenty-eight years smoldered to a pile of ash and lumps of nearly unrecognizable, melted metal that used to be appliances. The fire was so hot (approx. 2000 degrees according to the fire department) that the refrigerator collapsed and fell into an arch shape and the concrete of the driveway exploded. Unfathomable. Many times, I have kicked myself. I drove right by it. I knew how to get inside. I knew where many favor items or heirlooms lurked. If only I could have saved some things. However, I am well aware I had no way of knowing what would happen and it was probably best that I drove away before the fire drew near. I'd be lying if I said the number of times I've made it through evacuation or threat of evacuation were not part of discussion about moving into a more metropolitan area. Flash forward to this week. The town of Luther is consumed by ravaging fire. Luther is not that far from me. It's maybe twenty miles. I know some people who live there. Additionally, fires blazed in Creek County (Around Mannford, OK- west of the Tulsa metro). I was on pins and needles- waiting to hear about my friend Misty Tharp's house. By miracle and by faith, it was spared. My dear friend, Tammy Devine, is from Mannford. Sadly, members of her family lost their homes. Above all, it is a blessing that they were not hurt of injured.
I am also empathetic to my sorority sister, Janna Graham, who lost her father to cancer this week. Though the relationship was strained, I have also lost my father. My mother, thank the Lord, is a breast cancer survivor. It's hard to so many levels. Janna will handle it all with grace, like she always does. God bless her family.
While sitting in church on Sunday, I was filled with urgency and prayer for Misty, for Janna, for Tammy and many others. At this point, I realized how little time I can waste worrying about my station- about the house selling (though I still hope it will happen soon), about expenses, about making a transition, etc. God will show you what matters. In that moment- this horrible propensity to want to control or feel like I am in control faded away. I struggle each day to let go and let God. In that moment, I felt I truly did. Each new day, I must learn how to give up control for the day. I am so grateful that I was able to do so in that moment. God is going to take care of my transition. And that is my perspective: check.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Twenty-Six
A- appetite must be conquered!
B- Broken Arrow, starting my new job in less than four weeks- so much to do! I am falling deep in LOVE with my new job! Great bosses and I believe I will have lots of fun : D
C- CAbi, my friend Lori's business. I discovered the CAbi outlet this summer. CAbi spells trouble.
(stress loves shopping)
D- daughter, she is eager to start her new preschool, loves animals, and learning rapidly
E- Exercise is missing- I am feeling my age because I am more than worried about my appearance,
but my Energy level- which is dwindling...
F- Family, we are in it together. Frustration and stress may be present, but we are united.
G- God, I am truly working at having faith and giving over right now. It's not always easy, but I'm getting better all the time!
H- Harrah, my resignation has been official for about a month. I will definitely miss kids and colleagues.
I- insanity- as defined by accepting a new job, in a new school, in a new position, at a new level, while trying to sell and buy houses and move home. Yes, insane. (and this is only half of it!)
J- Jill, I was blessed with an impromptu visit with my best friend recently. Praying God will move her home (to Tulsa) too.
K- kids- I am totally feeling the guilt that we have not been ready to give Claire a sibling yet. Yes, she does talk about getting a little 'stister' AND a little 'brudder'. That's right- she asks for one of each. I fail. Sigh.
L- Lindsay- that's right, me. My mother keeps reminding me to be true to myself. I've short changed myself a lot in the past and I do not wish to repeat that.
M- Michael, the stress of all the changes is certainly challenging, but we are managing to keep it together- even when we snap at each other.
N- new, I find it difficult to be new because I like to be an expert / know it all. I can become an expert at my new job after a year, right?! (rhetorical question)
O- Over it, I was worried about what other people thought regarding all the changes at the feet of my family. I realize the importance of being caring and sensitive, but I realized that everyone's life is their creation and too often, people who may have abundance of opinion about your doings lack the details and whys.
P- place to stay- holy crap- where am I going to live, temporarily while I start my job?!
Q- quiet- for as outgoing and social as I am (no one has ever accused me of being shy), I realized I need and enjoy alone time. It's like my inner extrovert needs a break and my inner introvert picks up a shift.
R- real estate- we've narrowed it to two houses in Tulsa and would love to place an offer, but can't until current house is under contract : (
S- selling- selling our house is not fun. While it technically hasn't been that long, I just want it sold and fast! Time to move.
T- Tulsa, of course- My heart leaps for joy when I think about it. I am so grateful. It would be great if the process of getting there could fall into place. A test of my patience from God?
U- umbrella- this state need rain. Not wanting to see more fires on the TV.
V- vow- to work my best with what is in my control and do my best to let go of fear, worry, anxiety and anything else I can't help. I'm human- this will be hard.
W- wondering- I keep imagining God setting me up to really struggle and praying that's not the case. That's really not how God works- I don't think.
X- eXamine- the best way(s) to keep this move from eating my savings.
Y- year of pre-school- Claire has a year of preschool before *gasp* pre-k! We got her into a great one. The downside- out of my way driving : ( Just for a year. I think I can.
Z- zealous- maybe I need to take a chill pill- but I am not alone there.
B- Broken Arrow, starting my new job in less than four weeks- so much to do! I am falling deep in LOVE with my new job! Great bosses and I believe I will have lots of fun : D
C- CAbi, my friend Lori's business. I discovered the CAbi outlet this summer. CAbi spells trouble.
(stress loves shopping)
D- daughter, she is eager to start her new preschool, loves animals, and learning rapidly
E- Exercise is missing- I am feeling my age because I am more than worried about my appearance,
but my Energy level- which is dwindling...
F- Family, we are in it together. Frustration and stress may be present, but we are united.
G- God, I am truly working at having faith and giving over right now. It's not always easy, but I'm getting better all the time!
H- Harrah, my resignation has been official for about a month. I will definitely miss kids and colleagues.
I- insanity- as defined by accepting a new job, in a new school, in a new position, at a new level, while trying to sell and buy houses and move home. Yes, insane. (and this is only half of it!)
J- Jill, I was blessed with an impromptu visit with my best friend recently. Praying God will move her home (to Tulsa) too.
K- kids- I am totally feeling the guilt that we have not been ready to give Claire a sibling yet. Yes, she does talk about getting a little 'stister' AND a little 'brudder'. That's right- she asks for one of each. I fail. Sigh.
L- Lindsay- that's right, me. My mother keeps reminding me to be true to myself. I've short changed myself a lot in the past and I do not wish to repeat that.
M- Michael, the stress of all the changes is certainly challenging, but we are managing to keep it together- even when we snap at each other.
N- new, I find it difficult to be new because I like to be an expert / know it all. I can become an expert at my new job after a year, right?! (rhetorical question)
O- Over it, I was worried about what other people thought regarding all the changes at the feet of my family. I realize the importance of being caring and sensitive, but I realized that everyone's life is their creation and too often, people who may have abundance of opinion about your doings lack the details and whys.
P- place to stay- holy crap- where am I going to live, temporarily while I start my job?!
Q- quiet- for as outgoing and social as I am (no one has ever accused me of being shy), I realized I need and enjoy alone time. It's like my inner extrovert needs a break and my inner introvert picks up a shift.
R- real estate- we've narrowed it to two houses in Tulsa and would love to place an offer, but can't until current house is under contract : (
S- selling- selling our house is not fun. While it technically hasn't been that long, I just want it sold and fast! Time to move.
T- Tulsa, of course- My heart leaps for joy when I think about it. I am so grateful. It would be great if the process of getting there could fall into place. A test of my patience from God?
U- umbrella- this state need rain. Not wanting to see more fires on the TV.
V- vow- to work my best with what is in my control and do my best to let go of fear, worry, anxiety and anything else I can't help. I'm human- this will be hard.
W- wondering- I keep imagining God setting me up to really struggle and praying that's not the case. That's really not how God works- I don't think.
X- eXamine- the best way(s) to keep this move from eating my savings.
Y- year of pre-school- Claire has a year of preschool before *gasp* pre-k! We got her into a great one. The downside- out of my way driving : ( Just for a year. I think I can.
Z- zealous- maybe I need to take a chill pill- but I am not alone there.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
For I Know the Plans I Have for You
When I started this blog, I knew my family was examining life and investigating changes. We were in a very complacent and stagnant place. I knew I could give into fear of change and continue the place I've tilled or I could go out on a limb and look for the fruit. I chose the latter. Michael and I talked and planned for such. We discussed a number of possibilities and prayed ceaselessly.
I completely embraced the verse: "I know the plans I have for you, said the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Many days, I recited it to myself- like a meditation. I felt, truly, that God was a few steps in front of me, preparing the way. I felt that change was needed and coming down the path.
In December, I completed my Master's degree at the University of Central Oklahoma and began examining options to enhance life for myself and my family. In June, the change struck. I was offered a position in Broken Arrow Public Schools, as a guidance counselor at an elementary school. This is definitely a turn of events- I never thought I would be an elementary counselor! I interviewed at all levels and found that I thought elementary would be a great change and a new chance for me in my career. I am looking forward to it! Of course, this also means turning life (as I've known it the last seven years) upside down! Yes, this involves a move. There is so much more feeling and emotion surrounding this move- I couldn't contain it on this blog and should maintain some privacy anyway- but I feel so blessed to be going home again. When I went away to college, I automatically missed Tulsa. I always thought I'd move home after I graduated and live out my days there. It's home. However, my mother moved to Nebraska with her husband during my first semester of college and I fell in love and got married. In this time, I've still felt a connection to my home. I've experienced deep sadness in my mother moving out of state and no longer having a childhood home to visit. In seven years, I've still struggled to feel like me and feel at home. Tulsa is where I feel like me. Like I said, there is so much more to it- and Michael has been involved in scheming and dreaming the whole time. 'No' to some ideas and 'yes' to others. It's been a work in progress.
It will not be a neat and easy move. Lots of factors are involved. However, God knows the plans he has for me and the plans he has for our family. He is a few steps in front of me / us.
I realize fully that my sacrifices are worth the rewards.
I completely embraced the verse: "I know the plans I have for you, said the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Many days, I recited it to myself- like a meditation. I felt, truly, that God was a few steps in front of me, preparing the way. I felt that change was needed and coming down the path.
In December, I completed my Master's degree at the University of Central Oklahoma and began examining options to enhance life for myself and my family. In June, the change struck. I was offered a position in Broken Arrow Public Schools, as a guidance counselor at an elementary school. This is definitely a turn of events- I never thought I would be an elementary counselor! I interviewed at all levels and found that I thought elementary would be a great change and a new chance for me in my career. I am looking forward to it! Of course, this also means turning life (as I've known it the last seven years) upside down! Yes, this involves a move. There is so much more feeling and emotion surrounding this move- I couldn't contain it on this blog and should maintain some privacy anyway- but I feel so blessed to be going home again. When I went away to college, I automatically missed Tulsa. I always thought I'd move home after I graduated and live out my days there. It's home. However, my mother moved to Nebraska with her husband during my first semester of college and I fell in love and got married. In this time, I've still felt a connection to my home. I've experienced deep sadness in my mother moving out of state and no longer having a childhood home to visit. In seven years, I've still struggled to feel like me and feel at home. Tulsa is where I feel like me. Like I said, there is so much more to it- and Michael has been involved in scheming and dreaming the whole time. 'No' to some ideas and 'yes' to others. It's been a work in progress.
It will not be a neat and easy move. Lots of factors are involved. However, God knows the plans he has for me and the plans he has for our family. He is a few steps in front of me / us.
I realize fully that my sacrifices are worth the rewards.
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